Desperately seeking purpose

I thought by getting involved in some extra curricular activities I would find what I needed - what I felt was missing from my life. As it turns out I was wrong. I was being so optimistic but none of it is working.

I was so excited to be back into theatre and now I see that it was something that was just better left in the past. This group I joined will never be for me what theatre once was in my life. There is no room for me in this group and I haven't felt this much an outsider since I was in elementary school. It's a very insulated group. Everyone has their role and everyone protects their role from anyone else being able to do it.

I understand the perspective, I just wish it was different. I wish I could get back what the theatre once represented for me but lightening doesn't strike twice. It does underscore exactly how special that point in my life was though.

There is also something else that rattled me today. Last night I had a dream about a man I know. Someone I cared for but not someone whom I ever attempted to pursue a relationship. with. There was only ever one opportunity for that to have happened and I knew that neither of us were in a position to be in relationships at the time.

I know that he would never have dated me anyway. I wasn't his type. But the dream bothered me because I have not thought of this man in a very, very long time. The dream haunted me today. I don't remember what happened in it I only remember him and how I felt. In this dream we were together and I was so happy and fulfilled. But in the middle of the dream my conscious mind burst the bubble by reminding me that it was just a dream and in real life, right now this man is spoken for.

It was just a dream but at the moment that reality disturbed it my heart broke. Not because he wasn't real but because the feelings weren't. That it was all imagined and that when I opened my eyes my life would be devoid of it all.

I try so hard every day to turn my focus to other things - work, the play, sports. Anything that will keep me from thinking about what I'm really aching for. It's the one thing I can't do for myself. I try to be positive all the time. I try to make people believe that I'm not lonely and that I'm not bothered by this area of lacking in my life. I know I'm fooling no one.

I hate that my dreams do this to me. I hate that when I'm sleeping I have these carrots dangled in front of me in a way that is so realistic.

Lately, I find myself wishing a lot that I didn't feel anything. I find myself wishing that I could shut myself off from all feeling and emotion. I wish I could make myself believe that I didn't need any of it. I wish I could make myself forget all my missed opportunities like this man because I know that he probably never even saw me in the first place.